Heybridge Swifts v Grays

Since the beginning of this tour we've been struggling somewhat to clearly settle on the boundaries for the teams we need to visit. In the past there would have been many more clubs to get to, but over the years Greater London has slowly but surely advanced on the territory of what were Essex clubs. Indeed, some of the club websites still listed their team as being in Essex. But we've learnt over the weeks not to trust these websites, they are quite often left unattended and display out of date information.

This week we slipped up and were almost left without a fixture. We were minutes away from embarking on a trip to AFC Hornchurch when I realised that they are in fact now a part of Greater London and not our County. Luckily for us there was one other game available on this particular weekend. A game that couldn't have suited us better. We were off to see Heybridge Swifts host Grays, a stroke of luck meaning that we would now be able to see Grays play (Grays being another Essex team, derived of their own stadium so originally omitted from our list).

We set off early because we wanted to view the Tottenham v West Ham game before the Non-League fun began and rolled up at the ground a full 2 and a half hours before kick-off. Getting out at the currently empty car park we decided to see if the clubhouse was showing the game. We spotted the turnstiles, but they were closed, so just ambled on round the side and before we knew it we were in the grounds. It was strange, there were no other barriers from even stopping us walking down the players tunnel if we wanted to. I suppose the fact the ground even had a players tunnel was an achievement in itself. We'd go on to watch the Premier League game and then have the freedom of the grounds to wander out and take our place pitchside without having to pay an entrance fee.

Grays are currently managed by West Ham legend Julian Dicks, so perhaps it was no surprise to see him appear along with his squad to watch the game with us. We did perhaps wonder if this was the correct way for a team to prepare before kick-off as the Heybridge team were first to go out and warm up whilst the away team were fixated on the screens indoors.

As the Premier League game drew to a disappointing close with the score still at 0-0, attention turned to Non-Leagues first ever bookies unfolding to our left. It was the first one we'd spotted anyway, as a guy in a jumper that would surely not be worn outside of that clubhouse, set about chalking up odds for the first goalscorer for Heybridge that day. I wouldn't entirely trust his calculation methods though so opted out of a cheeky bet on the premise that the odds were being altered at an alarming rate every few minutes.

As for the game itself, well it was a peculiar match, one with little to go on due to the absense of a match programme (these are only available as you enter through the turnstiles). To make matters worse, wherever we stood we were staring into the sun so couldn't make out much anyway. Granted, we could have positioned ourselves on the opposite side of the pitch, but when you've waited a good few months for warmth at these games, you'd have to be a fool not to jump at the opportunity to be blinded in favour of a clear but cold view of a sub-standard game of football.

The majority of the Grays fans were in sync with us, standing as they were a little further down the touchline. Despite having to squint to see what was going on out there, they still seemed to know better than the linesman, and aimed their abuse in his direction throughout proceedings, despite the majority of the controversial decisions having nothing to do with him.

So with a lack of a teamsheet we identified the players in our own novel way. Heybridge were kept solid at the back by the presence of a fat Ian Walker look-alike, a sight not lost on a few others in the crowd who pointed this out to him with glee. Grays best lookalike was a Sami Hyppia type figure at the back, even though on the rare occasion he wandered over to where we were standing he actually only looked about 17. Still, Hyppia Jnr would be at the centre of the majority of Grays defensive errors, as he often attempted to foul his man in preference to going for the ball. He failed miserably at either option in fairness.

One redeeming feature was the fantastic yet unneccessary volume of the tannoy system.  Because of this, ourselves, and anyone in the properties placed within a 5 mile radius of the ground were probably all aware that winger Lewis had opened the scoring for the home team after barely 5 minutes.  Grays had started strongly but a swift Swifts counter had led to the enigmatic midfielder making a mockery of his portly size and outpacing the Grays backline to open the scoring.
Heybridges' second was a goal of pure quality, another pacy break and more controlled passing released Lewis again, only for him to this time cross for the incoming Reece Morgan to finish with a delightful header. 2-0 at the break, and really it was all that the Home side deserved, their patient build-up suiting the conditions far more than the aimless long ball tactics of Julian Dicks' men.

However, these two teams came into this game locked in mid-table, both on 44 points, and Grays appeared in the second half to want to prove that their hosts were not a better side. They pulled an early goal back and kept pressurising for an equaliser, only to eventually be the masters of their own downfall as another defensive error let in a Heybridge substitute to put the gloss on a 3-1 win.

Throughout the game balls kept flying over the hoardings, not an uncommon occurance at this level, and with minutes to go one of these balls fell neatly at our feet, with Bob taking the opportunity to grab it as a souvenir of our day out.

*pictures to follow shortly

Aveley v Wealdstone

Unbelievably this was the view from
outside the ground

Aveley v Wealdstone

Saturday 12th March, and for the first time it wasn't finger numbingly cold outside.  And so despite the truly awful game of football that unfolded before us, it was definitely one of the more positive non-league outings we'd experienced this season.

Unlike last weeks rush to Canvey, we gave ourselves plenty of time to arrive and soak up the atmosphere of our surroundings.  We already had half an idea about where we were going as Mill Field is merely a few minutes drive from where we had visited Thurrock earlier on our tour.  Not that you'd necessarily be aware of it though, as the tiny ground is tucked away out of sight and mind from the locals. 

If ever you're looking to get into non-league football and are looking for a team to follow, but are worried about the costs of a season piling up, then I'd recommend picking Aveley as your team.  That's got nothing to do with the ticket prices, prices here are the same as everywhere else in the area.  It's got more to do with the fact that the boundary of the ground is marked out with such low fencing that one could quite comfortably view all the action from the wrong side of the turnstiles.  Not us though, we were eager to get in and see in detail our 11th game of the season. 

Aveley have a strange ground, the pitch is flanked on either side by a large amount of unused grass, resulting in you feeling distant from the action no matter what side of the pitch you stand.  Behind one goal was proof if needed of Aveley's poor goals to game ratio at home this season, as the fence panels that were left had been completely annihilated by wayward shots.  For obvious reasons we decided we wouldn’t be viewing the game from here today.  Oh no, we had our hearts set on trying out the old fashioned wooden stand that we passed on the way in.  We ambled around the pitch passing the free-flowing named 'The Veolia Mardyke Trust Stand', wondering if any fan had previously attempted to incorporate such a mouthful into a terrace chant.



Appetising Food Menu



Before settling in our spot for the day, we headed over to grab a bite to eat.  The menu here was less than inviting, with no prices and seemingly very little in the way of edible food on sale.  It was basically a toss up between going for a 'Umbo Hot Og' or a 'Ham U' with perhaps some 'Soft Rinks' thrown in as well.  After much deliberation we slumped for the 'Umbo Hot Ogs and then took our seats.  The wooden stand we'd spotted from afar was complimented with wooden seats, and very uncomfortable wooden seats at that.   Still, we felt as if we were welcome here, we were not outsiders, there was no tension from other fans, it almost felt as if we weren't in Essex.  A huge part of this may well have been due to the warblings of Aveley's stadium announcer, the old lady making small jokes and entertaining the kids that obviously worshipped her whilst simultaneously annoying her at every home game. 



It was as we were trying to make out and mark down the teamsheets on the back of the matchday programme that we saw him.  A strange big headed fellow, wandering around the ground, waving aimlessly and at nobody in particular.  It was our very first matchday mascot!  Who knows for sure whether or not he is a regular here, he may well have just have been drafted in to help raise money for Comic Relief that week (not that he was doing a very good job as the bucket he was shaking looked as if it may have cost more than the amount people donated), but we were pleased to see him even if he seemed less than enthusiastic to be there.

Despite the distractions of the worlds worst mascot we did manage to jot down the full teamsheet, with Aveley opting to pair Salmon and Tuna up front.  We thought at first that there maybe something fishy going on here, but lo-and-behold the programme listed them, so they must be real. 

I'm writing a lot about the surroundings here because nothing much happened in the game.  There was one goal, an opportunist strike from Wealdstone on the half hour mark but that was about your lot.  Now there's coming out and covering your front post, and there's coming out and leaving the goal gaping.  Unfortunately for Aveley their 'keeper opted for the latter. 

To compliment the mascot and help raise money for Comic Relief next Friday, the teams were also to play with a red ball for the duration of the game. The ball itself though appeared very lightweight and difficult to control, floating as it did all over the pitch once the game was underway.

With the teamsheet jotted down in front of us, we were able to identify the players in front of us with ease, something that has been lacking from many of the games we have attended. Aveley's one flair player was Orlando Smith, but he spent much of the first half hugging the touchline and failing to create any chances for the the front two. In fact their best and only chance of the half came when the two strikers teamed up, Salmon, reeled in a couple of defenders and layed the red balloon on a plate for Tuna, who failed to gobble up the chance, blasting as he did high and handsome over the bar.
Half-time soon came around with very little else in the way of entertainment, bar a potential penalty appeal for the away side that was turned down flatly by an unimpressed referee.

The referee's next real involvement of the day would be to pull out the lucky raffle ticket on his way off the pitch at half time, netting a lucky recipient the £25 top prize.

As we waited for the teams to reappear we at last spotted the stereotypical man and his dog that is so often associated with football at this level. Great joy was also taken in seeing a group of kids invade the pitch to set up a game of 'Wembley', and due to the lack of stewards on hand, got away with a good 10 mins of play before the stadium announcer scared them off.

The teams were soon out for the second half, but Aveley couldn't provide enough quality going forward to get back into the game. To put it bluntly, both Salmon and Tuna looked like fish out of water as they continually struggled to breach the Wealdstone net, the latter being taken off before too long. Flair player Orlando bloomed as the half went on, but even his forays away from the touchline failed to spark life into a limited Aveley team.

*pictures to follow shortly

Canvey Island v Horsham

Canvey Island v Horsham - 05/03/11

It's a week now since we re-traced our steps back to the Island to see Canvey play again, this time at their home ground - The Brockwell Stadium.  In just a couple of hours time we will be heading off to finally see Aveley play, a team we've been trying but failing to get to for many weeks now due to weather and fixture scheduling that went against us.


Canvey's hideous sponsored car



In a fashion typical to me, i've become lazy and neglected to keep up to date with events, so am eager to get last weeks game in writing before the fixtures begin to pile up on me. 

It was something of a strange experience at Canvey last week.  With both myself and Bob committed to other things that day (I had a severe hangover to recover from in the morning and Bob had a dinner date to shoot off to immediately after the game), we found ourselves rushing in and out of the ground in as short amount as time as possible.  Perhaps this was the major reason for the feeling of emptyness and lack of atmosphere to the game.  Or it could  have been the idea that Canvey took control of the game with two first half goals, and from there the match as a contest was effectively over.  Horsham showed plenty of endeavour and acquired some neat touches on the ball, all without seemingly believing they could grab something from the game as they lacked a severe cutting edge in the final third. 

So it was that this bizarrely underwhelming game unfolded in front of us on yet another bitterly cold day.  In fairness temperatures were indeed up on recent weeks, but the location of the pitch being just a few hundred metres from the sea wall ensured a constant reminder that spring is a good way off yet as the sea breeze kept things as uncomfortable as possible. 



Plenty of leg room in the first half



After pulling up with minutes to spare, and wasting that time on looking and laughing at Canvey's very own sponsored car, we were still shuffling through the turnstiles as the teams took to the pitch.  A lot has changed at this ground since I last visited in the 90's, a huge concrete terracing area behind the goal being the most noticeable renovation.  Grabbing a tea we opted to head for a seat in the front row near the centre circle.  Despite the cold, we had ample leg room and was in constant earshot of the exchanges between players and referee.  It was from here that we witnessed Canvey race into a 2-0 lead in the first 20 minutes, something they didn't really deserve as it was far from a controlling performance from them. 

Still, the opener came from a slightly dubious free-kick given on the edge of the Horsham box.  From where we were situated it looked as if the defending team didn't line their wall up correctly, allowing Rob King the simple task of stroking the ball into the net, past an unsighted goalkeeper.  And with despite only 6 minutes on the clock, it was effectively game over as Canvey spent the rest of the match looking very comfortable and always in control.  The scoreline was doubled on 22 minutes when Jason Hallett beat the offside trap and the oncoming goalkeeper to poke the ball home from 6 yards out.  The public announcer excitedly declared it to be Hallett's second of the game, before having to embarrassingly backtrack as he realised his error.

Great close up views of the action
too

Despite the comfortable circumstances the fans were still constantly getting on the referees back, who was goaded with some rather friendly abuse by individuals in the stand.  'You're a pain in the neck ref', and 'you're ruining the game' were just two of the so called insults thrown his way.  That was until a man just to the right of us confirmed that he thought the referee was indeed a wanker after he gave a 50/50 to the away team.  The folk of Canvey must have high expectations of match officials because compared to some of the performances we've seen over the weeks, the man in black here remained in control, gave things as he saw them, and was constantly talking to the players and explaining his decisions to them. 

And that was it for the first half, the only other memorable moment came when one of the players hoofed the ball out of the stadium for the umpteenth time, only for a new ball to be thrown over from the dugout, with that too bouncing straight out and into the streets beyond.

There's that boat again!

As much as we wanted to stay and in our seats and listen to more non-sensical bullshit coming from the mouths of a few individuals, we wanted to try out the new terracing and so re-located there, standing as high up and far back as possible.  From here we had an open view of the whole pitch and the Sea Wall in the distance, allowing us to pick up on our previous game of 'Spot the boat in the background' that we had invented at East Thurrock, during lulls in the action. 





From our higher viewpoint we could see more clearly the shortcomings of both teams.  Neither side have set the division alight this season, and on this form it was evident why.  Granted, by now Horsham were being forced to chased the game but even so some of their defending was comical as Canvey found themselves with men over on more than one occasion.  But The Islanders themselves were regularly guilty of making bad decisions in front of goal and wasted many chances.  Eventually though, they found their third with about half an hour to go.  Hallett - who had a very good game - found space down the right flank and drilled an inviting ball into the box where a waiting Alex Rhodes expertly brought it down and finished first time from about 12 yards out. 

Horsham were down and out, but to their credit kept going and grabbed a goal back with 20 minutes to go, encouraging the small away contingency to cheekily claim that they were going to win 4-3.  In reality that was to be the end of the goals for the day, and the home support saw their team through to the final whistle with a non-stop chant of 'Yellows, Yellows' for the last 15 minutes.

Car Park: Free but full
Ticket: £10
Programme: £2

Score: 3-1

Attendance: 327

Last Minute Change of Plans

Tilbury FC v AFC Sudbury - Saturday 26th February

Another week of Non-League football, another week of adverse weather conditions.  We intended to head off to see Aveley host Tooting & Mitcham, and were excited about the prospect of being in the presence of former Southend United right back Mark Beard, who is now in charge of the visiting team.

Alas, that was not to be, as pretty soon games in the area started to tumble to the weather, and before long ours was one of them.  Undeterred we switched our attention to other fixtures that were going ahead, but what with the late postponements we knew we wouldn't have much time to get to another ground, so set our sights on the nearest home team on offer, Tilbury FC.  According to the website there was to be a late pitch inspection but that the teams were expecting to play.  Well, if they expected to play then we expected to be there to watch them, so we hurriedly set off to hunt down their ground.  We were made to work hard for our prize, with there being no road signs or any indication as to where the ground was.  In fact we may still have been looking for it now if it wasn't for the discovery of the AFC Sudbury team coach poking its head out of a side road.

With minutes to spare before kick off we finally entered through the turn-stiles.  There didn't seem to be any match programmes on sale, just an old man selling soggy raffle tickets, so steering clear of him we ventured over to find a cup of tea. 

I think it's fair to say that the home of Tilbury FC is not very pleasing on the eye.  Both ends of the pitch had huge metal fencing behind them in an attempt to block the ball from leaving the stadium, forcing fans to peer through them if they want to stand behind the goals.  They would honestly be better off investing in ball boys.  The rest of the ground was harsh concrete and iron fencing, although to one side of the pitch they did boast an intriguing stand placed above the changing rooms.  We couldn't turn down the opportunity to view a non-league game from above pitch level so made our way round to check it out, wandering past a huge pile of sand in doing so, that had been used on the pitch to try and get it fit for purpose.



Less than appealing view from behind the goal



The rain was still falling heavily as the players emerged from below us, and we took our seats as they set themselves to kick off.  Immediately we discovered that the view from our perch was fantastic, as long as you avoid sitting in any of the seats.  With so many pillars and floodlight posts in front of us, in order to see the game we'd have to stand.

And what a game it was.  In truth, the surface wasn't really playable.  It was a mudbath.  Still, the players took to it, with Sudbury coming out of the blocks faster than their hosts.  After missing a few half chances though, and perhaps being scared off by a never ending supply of Tilbury slide tackles, the game soon evened out.  All of a sudden it was Tilbury who were doing most of the running and their reward came after 15 minutes when a cross from the left was neatly controlled and stroked home by Chas Liddiard.  At least i think that was his name, the teamsheet i stole it from was a little difficult to decipher. 

This goal sent the small contingency of hardcore Tilbury fans into raptures.  They were singing in unison throughout the first half anyway, and this early breakthrough only served to fuel their delightful chants further.  They also seemed to be singing a collection of original terrace songs but we couldn't quite make out the seemingly witty lyrics from where we were, in part due to the distance they were from us but perhaps over-ridingly because they had been drinking a lot (we could smell the alcohol on their breaths after the game as we filtered out through the exit with them) causing them to slur some of their words.

Capturing our first sending off of the tour

There was one other major chance in a frantic first half and it came barely minutes after the opening goal.  Sudbury immediately looked to get back into the game and managed to force a corner, which resulted in them thumping the bar from range, and somehow having the follow up cleared off the line to prevent the equaliser. 

Tilbury thought they'd grabbed a two goal lead just before half time, only for it to be ruled out for offside, so the teams went into the break with just the one goal to show for their efforts.  We nipped over to grab a snack and almost missed the beginning of the second half due to the queue at the tea bar, as the poor old woman there had no help whatsover and was struggling to keep up.  Perhaps thats why her tea tasted so bad, and because of this we opted for canned drinks second time around.

Fortunately for the players, and more importantly for an ever degrading playing surface, the rain eased up and things brightened in the second half.  With the conditions settled, Sudbury started to show their class as the stronger team, and grabbed a quick equaliser only a few minutes after the restart.  Cue the all too familiar scuffle with the 'keeper as he tries to keep hold of the ball whilst the striker wants to get on with the game.  Things were heating up all over the pitch in fact, none more so than when Tilbury midfielder Ben Bradbury went crunching into left-back Daniel Swain, ending his oppositions game, shortly before the referee ended Bradbury's, with what was our first red-card since being on tour.  Bradbury seemed to disagree and took his anger out on the linesman, so much so that he had to be held back from trying to attack him.  Checking after the game the Tilbury website generously overlooked this incident to protect their player.

In fact their website claimed that Tilbury were the better side over 90 minutes and claimed they were hard done by with the result, but as far as we were concerned that couldn't be further from the truth.  Sudbury grabbed the win they deserved, breaking in numbers despite yet another poor decision by a referee who did his best to get everything wrong, and stroking the ball home from just inside the area with 15 minutes to go.  Their looked as though there could be a bagful of goals in the dying minutes as Tilbury came forward leaving numerous gaps at the back, but Sudbury couldn't capitalise further.

Car Park: Very small and no spaces, so had to find a space on the road
Ticket: £8

Programme: N/A

Score: 1-2

Attendance: ???